


alien (love) letters

by RatonLaveur



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: Enemies to Lovers, Fun, Hurt/Comfort, Letters, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:22:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24900772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RatonLaveur/pseuds/RatonLaveur
Summary: Lister pretends to be an alien to make fun of Rimmer. Things don't go quite as planned.
Relationships: Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer
Comments: 8
Kudos: 25





	alien (love) letters

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I have written a thing with limited suffering and zero death. No, I'm not an imposter. (At least I hope so.)  
> Either way, I'm back! :D

"Everyone, you should come to the drive room. Especially you, Arnie. I've got something that would interest you." 

Rimmer got to the drive room a bit earlier than everyone else, despite not really believing in Holly's "discoveries" anymore. Although this time her tone sounded slightly different – he allowed himself to get his hopes up a little bit.

He waited nearly a minute for Lister, the Cat, and Kryten to join him, and then made sure to be the first one to say:

"Well, what is it?"

"We've been contacted by aliens," said the computer matter-of-factly. 

Rimmer was instantly flooded by various emotions – the strongest one being self satisfaction, joined by excitement, interest, and a tiny bit of fear. But only really tiny, merely noticeable.

"See, boys?" Rimmer smiled confidently and straightened his back as much as he could. "What did I tell you? Aliens do exist, and are apparently very eager to get in contact with us."

"Yeah, probably as much desperate for human contact as you are," remarked Lister who accepted the news with a wide grin and naturally, zero respect for Rimmer and his interests.

"Now if it's really aliens, we may not even understand what they are telling us," said Kryten. "I personally don't think many aliens would speak English."

"Don't be silly. It's like going for holiday abroad – you have to learn their language if you want to communicate," Rimmer dismissed his claims immediately, too excited about the news to think logically. "Show us what you got, Holly."

"I am in the process of decoding the message. But the contents really seem to be in English." 

"Well I sure as hell don't want to mess with that alien thing," the Cat finally joined the conversation, not too invested in the news at all.

"Of course I'll be the one responding to the message. They must be looking for intelligent life, after all." Rimmer was so pumped he was about to explode, metaphorically at least.

"Decoding process finished," Holly announced. "The message will now appear on the screen."

"Let me read it to you all." Rimmer cleared his throat, didn't wait for the crew's opinion and began to read the alien letter.

_ "Dear human, _

_ I hope my message finds you well and capable of answering my attempt at communicating. _

_ I have been travelling through space for decades, only accompanied by a group of absolute arseholes, who refuse to believe that humans are real. I know you are out there, and I need to find you just to prove that I'm right. _

_ My radars have picked up a spaceship, and I am sending this message towards its location in hopes of encountering human life. _

_ You may ask how it is possible that I am speaking your language – the answer is quite simple, on one of my journeys I discovered a book written in this language, apparently left behind by a non alien species. I used this very book to learn your ways of communication, but I am still not very good at it, so please excuse any mistakes. _

_ If you find this message, please send a response to the following coordinates. Do not try to look for me personally, it is still too soon for that. _

_ Best regards, _

_ Alien." _

"So we were contacted by an alien nerd," said the Cat, still unimpressed.

"I feel like he understands me. Stuck on a ship with arseholes who mock his genius? If we meet, we will become best friends." Rimmer was overwhelmed by the situation, his dream was finally coming true.

"I'm surprised you know what a best friend is," Lister remarked. "Are you going to contact that guy?"

Kryten looked over the message once more, and acknowledged the safety of sending out a response for now.

"Of course I am." Rimmer frowned for a bit. "So we've got an English speaking alien, who reminds me of myself, and his name is Alien."

"Yes?" Lister said carefully.

"Well he sounds like a great guy! Let me respond immediately."

"Well alright, we'll leave you to it." And as Rimmer started brainstorming his letter to poor Holly, Lister was already pushing the others out of the drive room.

***

"Guys I thought he was gonna clock or something, but he's so stupid he absolutely bought the entire thing." Lister experienced a similar self satisfaction to that of Rimmer's as he lied down on his bed, grinning at his companions. "Seriously? An alien named Alien? I didn't expect this joke to be long term, but I severely underestimated Rimmer's stupidity. I'm a genius."

"It is quite fascinating that he bought it, but – and I am not trying to be disrespectful, sir – I would contribute it to his seemingly first opportunity to make friends, rather than your wit." Kryten then proceeded to check the time and excused himself, leaving Lister unaffected by the polite insult.

"I still think that was smart, at least something will keep him occupied," the Cat nodded in relief. "It's like giving a four year old a toy. Hopefully it'll keep him as long as possible. Meanwhile, I have things to do."

And so the Cat also left the room.

Lister found himself all alone in the dorm, deciding to use the moment of peace to daydream. He would wait for the answer, and take the whole thing to the next level.

He realised he had fallen asleep only after Holly's voice woke him up.

"Dave. He already replied."

"This fast?" Lister got up and rubbed his eyes.

"It took him two hours. I had to write down everything he said, rewrite, write again, listen to a story from his childhood, and then write the rest. I ceased to see any joy in my existence."

"I know, that happens when you actually listen to him. It'll wear off, don't worry." A wide grin appeared on Lister's face again. "So, where is it?"

"There's a portable computer in the drive room. I'll send all his letters to it, so you can read them without him noticing. Just don't let him find it."

"Okay, thanks."

Lister managed to get to the drive room and back unnoticeable, and eagerly opened the letter Holly pretended to send to the aliens.

_ Dear Alien, _

_ I am as much excited about the opportunity to communicate with you as you are. My name is Arnold J. Rimmer and I am human. Or rather, I was. Before I died and became a hologram – but do not worry, I still have human thoughts and features, so you do not have to leave. _

_ I am a commander of the spaceship Red Dwarf but since I could not choose my crew, I ended up surrounded by idiots and low lives just like you. I feel like you understand me, which is not a very common feeling for me. _

_ For the longest time I wanted to encounter aliens, for reasons of both personal interest and proof to my crew that I was right. Just like you! It is fascinating how much we have in common.  _

_ I would like to officially ask you to be my friend, because I could really use one. You can call me Arnie. I really want a friend.  _

_ (Holly's note: after this part he had a breakdown, which he tried to mask as sneezing.) _

_ I will look forward to your response. _

_ Best regards, _

_ Arnold J. Rimmer (Arnie) _

  
  


Lister finished reading and thought about the content of the letter. He wanted to laugh at Rimmer, as it was one of his favourite activities but somehow he couldn't. He expected Rimmer to be his obnoxious self even in his correspondence with the alien, yet he was met with surprising vulnerability, that became somewhat more apparent without Rimmer's annoying voice.

He promised himself he would try and get something funny out of Rimmer next time. After waiting approximately two days, he would send a response on the alien's behalf, asking Rimmer to reveal something embarrassing. 

At first he thought of showing the letter to the Cat and Kryten but for some reason he decided against it. He had a feeling they wouldn't share his weird reaction. In fact, he couldn't discuss this with anyone at all. Holly listened to Rimmer for two hours, so she would surely hate every piece of the message.

That night Lister went to bed in a really strange mood.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> It's cold outsideeee, there's no kind of atmosphere-  
> (Someone get the song out of my head pls.)  
> Anyway! I would very much appreciate feedback on this thingy. It helps me write more <3  
> I'll try to deliver the next part soon.


End file.
